When I was but a mere twinkle in my father’s eye (UGH. Oh God. Just vomited on myself for even using that phrase.) there was only one sign of ageing, and that was just looking absolutely battered. Ageing was ageing. Something inevitable. Yes, women slathered on Pond’s cream and did various weird things to themselves to try and delay the ageing process, but nothing compared to the things that women do now! Because now, ladies, we don’t have one sign of ageing (wrinkles), we don’t have three signs of ageing (wrinkles, eye-bags, grey skin) and we don’t even have Olay’s seven signs* anymore! (I’ve printed Olay’s Seven Signs of Ageing at the bottom of the page.)

No. There are now ten. TEN signs of ageing. Very soon, products will come out that target the 3,675 signs of ageing. They will include: the inability to tie one’s own shoelaces without making an unattractive grunting sound; putting the car keys in the kettle and then boiling it; calling one’s husband all of the names of anyone you have ever known before finally getting to his correct name. ClaireEmmaPeterPhyllisJamieAndrewDanielPatrickAnnaCLIVE!

I can’t find a list of L’Oreal’s ten signs of ageing so I’ve made a stab in the dark and created my own:

1) Appearance of fine lines

2) Loss of firmness

3) Dark Spots/Hyperpigmentation

4) Crepey, dry skin

5) Loss of memory

6) Loss of firmness

7) Tendency to repeat oneself

8) Saying “ooh. I really fancy a cuppa.”

9) Saying “ooh. I really fancy a cuppa.”

10) Wearing one brown shoe with a 2 inch heel and one black with a 3 inch heel. Not noticing until lunchtime after walking funny all morning and thinking, ‘that’s my hip giving out, that is.’

Personally, I’m more worried about the non-skin-related signs than those that can be treated (or not) with a cream. I do think it’s brilliant that we ladies of today (another sign of ageing is using phrases such as that one) have access to amazing technology and research when it comes to our skin, but I wish that everyone would lay off the ageing thing. It makes it into a real issue – we have to worry about it from the age of approximately nineteen! “Are you seeing the first signs of ageing?” NO! I’m trying to sneak out of my bedroom window and get to the off-licence without my parents seeing me! Eff off beauty industry!

God forbid that you’re in your early twenties because that’s when you see the VERY VERY VERY first signs of ageing! And must use a dedicated skincare range! To fight wrinkles before they appear!

I jest, of course. Being a skincare obsessive, I started thinking about wrinkles from the age of twenty-two-ish and I’m always happy to hear of a new ‘breakthrough’ skincare find. I’m just not sure that the whole world needs to be obsessed. By force.

Thoughts? Anyone want to add some signs of ageing? Age makes no difference – we’re all ageing to some extent, so fire away!

* Olay’s Seven Signs of ageing:

1) Lines and Wrinkles
2) Rough Skin Texture
3) Dullness of Skin’s Appearance
4) Larger appearance of Pores
5) Blotchiness
6) Dry Skin
7) Age Spots