I was all set to write one of those slightly twee resolutions posts that are almost obligatory every New Year and then I thought to myself, are you completely MAD, woman? You don’t even have time to wash your hair, half the time – what kind of improvements to yourself are you POSSIBLY planning to make? 

Resolutions have become big business over the last couple of years. No longer a little set of relatively mundane personal challenges (give up booze for January, stop saying f*ck at inappropriate moments, remember to take the damp washing from the machine so that it doesn’t get that funny smell), resolutions seem to be an opportunity for people to do a full and frank appraisal of their own strengths and weaknesses with a detailed action plan for any improvements they might make in the near future.

Nope. Sorry, but doing a full and frank appraisal of my strengths and weaknesses is simply not on the agenda. I’m merely trying to bumble through life and keep my head above water. Gone are the days when I had the luxury of being able to analyse my work habits, make changes to my daily timetable to maximise efficiency, give pause to the various (and numerous) brainwaves that would push my career further and present me with interesting challenges.

Now I maximise efficiency by drafting blog posts in my head as I play tea parties with a toddler, brainwaves usually happen as I sit on the loo and then, when I get a spare hour, I get straight to the point, no dithering, and make things happen. It’s an entirely new approach for me and not one I’m completely comfortable with, as I like to know exactly what I’m doing in advance and all this spontaneity makes me feel frustrated and out of control, but really it’s the only option when you’re trying to do too many things at once.

Which is why – this year – I’m saying b*llocks to resolutions. Yes I could cut down on the Mini Magnums, but I only have one or two a week, so is it really the end of the world if I don’t? I could promise to keep my office tidy and I’ve no doubt it would increase productivity if I didn’t have to tip-toe through a sea of lidless lipsticks and open bronzer compacts every time I wanted to fetch something from my samples drawers, but really, when do I get a chance to sort it out? I am by no means clapping myself on the back here, saying that I think I’m doing so well that I require no improvement, I’m merely drawing a line in the sand and saying: enough. No extra pressure, no “building on my strengths”, no “embracing positivity”: I just want to be exactly as I am. I don’t have the time or energy for anything else!

In case you’re interested, here were my resolutions for last year. I can’t bring myself to watch them, actually, mainly because Angelica was only six months old and the year has gone by so fast and it’ll send me into some kind of panic spiral, but feel free to indulge. And if you want my post from 2011 it’s here – I’ve just had a little chortle at it because I was blatantly so hungover that I had to stop writing after a couple of measly paragraphs. Oh, how things change…

Anyway, a very Happy New Year to you all, whether you have a list of resolutions as long as your arm or you’re sitting in my “anti-resolutions” camp. I wish you a joyful and successful 2017.