I am away on a secret international tour of mystery. In my absence, the cat and dog are taking care of business. You can ask them any questions or tap them up for grooming advice over on Instagram. Sorry about the Celebrities with Expressions like my Cat feature – it was due to start yesterday, but I haven’t had a chance to drink lots of wine and trawl through pages of hilarious Google Images. I’m looking forward to it, though…

(Note the dog’s ridiculous haircut. I can’t even talk about it. Apparently “just a tiny trim” means “make him look like an old man wearing a terrible toupee” in dog-grooming land. Argh.)