Oh Sisley how I do love thee; your understated demeanor, your fresh pastel packaging with its chic French stripes, your beautiful scents, your flowery ingredients… You’re bloody expensive, Sisley, but in your case I think that it’s really quite forgivable. You work, you see. Everything that you make just seems to work.

Take your Express Flower Gel, for example. This morning I had a face like this:

yet within three minutes, dear Sisley, you had made my skin velvety soft. You banished all signs of my hangover, Sisley, my love, and, through the power of flower, managed to tone and hydrate my face in one angel-like swoop. I didn’t need to rinse afterwards, just tissue off the excess, my sweet, and for that I love you even more.

There’s no other quite like you, Sisley – may I call you Sis? You’re like an unattainable courtesan – you’re there to be bought, but not all can afford you. “Save!” is what I would cry to those who think they will never feel your touch, those who gaze longingly at you in the airport duty-free, “save, and you will be rewarded!”

People will be envious of our time together, Sis – you prefer Sisley, you say? – and so we must keep it quiet. I shall apply the Gel Express Aux Fleurs (I know you like it when I speak Francais, my dearest) two or three times a week, and you shall lift my spirits and make me a teenager again. Alors.. until next time, Sisley. I cannot wait.

Sisley Express Flower Gel, (hydrating toning and firming mask), £71 from Harrods, House of Fraser or John Lewis.