Here I am trying out the new London Cycle Hire. Although, as you can see, I’m not really trying out the cycle – it’s firmly locked into its stand. I’m not actually allowed to ride a bike, you see. If I was, the road accident death toll in London would increase by about 600%. I have no coordination, no sense of balance, and when I get scared, I close my eyes and hope for the best. Can you imagine me cycling around London? No. Neither can my family, which is why I am forbidden.

You can see my Auntie Beneta and Uncle David looking very concerned in this photograph. They are, most likely, weighing up how likely it will be that I actually fall of the bike whilst it is stationary. No mean feat, you may think, but you really haven’t seen me in action. I have had numerous accidents over the years on – wait for it – SPINNING bikes (or ‘exercise’ bikes for those of you who are still living in the eighties). On a real bike, I’d be like a Kamikaze model, blindly heading for brick walls, flailing my arms and legs.

So there we go. No whizzing about London for me. But if you want to dice with death on the London streets, dodging crazed white van drivers and mentally deranged couriers, then be my guest! A great way to keep fit, so long as you don’t lose any limbs, and a relaxing way to travel, so long as you do it between 3.30am and 4.15am. (I’m only joking about this – I’m sure it’s a sterling model of transport!)

For more information on the TFL Cycle Hire, click HERE!