I can now add “tree wrestling” to my list of stupid things I do when I’m pre-menstrual. Honestly, it has been a three day marathon of idiotic decisions, irrational reactions and unprovoked breakdowns. Although the tree wrestling episode was pretty bad and saw me screaming, clutching my face and retching into the shrubbery all at the same time…
All I wanted to do was take the ivy off the beech trees. The fact that the beech trees are about the same height and circumference as NASA space shuttles did not deter me – nor the fact that we have lots of them. I’m going to save those trees, I thought to myself, if there’s one thing I achieve this Saturday it’s going to be ridding the trees of their strangling, life-sapping ivy garlands! I’d been meaning to de-ivy the trees for a while, so I donned some gloves (must protect my hands, don’t worry about face) and got to work, ripping the ivy off, pulling down vines that were sometimes ten metres long or more, ripping up the roots and chucking it all in the wheelbarrow.
Because the children got bored of playing on the grass after approximately three and a half minutes, and then started disappearing to other parts of the garden where I couldn’t quite see what they were up to, I sat them in some chairs and gave them my iPhone to play with. And then, unencumbered by responsibility, I really got going with my gardening.
There was one particular tree that was being absolutely plagued with ivy; it had grown for so long that the stem was about the same diameter as a small rolling pin and it curled and curled solidly around the beech tree in an impenetrable coil. Rather than finding a saw, or something sensible, I decided to break the ivy at its source which was a sort of small tree coming out of the ground. Around six or seven of the massive, thick ivy stems had been sawn off and then there was the one death-bringer that snaked its way to the beech.
I know, I thought, mainly because I couldn’t be bothered to go and ask Mr AMR for a saw, what I’ll do is I’ll bend the ivy tree thing right to the ground and jump on it until it snaps. Then I’ll pull it out of the earth with all of its roots (probably about ninety miles’ worth, but I didn’t consider that at the time) and the job will be a good ‘un!
Oh God, if I had been on camera. I’m sure the film would have won prizes. I stood on the tree, bent it to the ground so that it was stressed to its absolute limits. This bloody ivy was desperate to get up – it was the wrestler who refused to tap out, he had so much determination to live that I could virtually feel the energy through the soles of my boots. I gave a little jump, thought I heard the stem break. I jumped a bit more. And then, I have no idea whether I jumped again because something hit me in the face that knocked me off my feet. Something jagged, many-pronged, something very hard and angry.
I can tell you that being hit in the face with a tree at approximately five hundred miles per hour is not fun. I actually thought, for a minute or so, that I was blind. Then I thought my nose was broken. In reality I didn’t know what the state of my face was, because I was just clutching it and making a weird keening sound and we don’t have a mirror in the garden, but I was guessing the worst.
So whilst Ted and Angelica continued to play on the iPhone, not even batting an eyelid that their mother was rolling in agony not five metres from where they sat, I hunched over that bloody mini ivy tree, screaming for Mr AMR (who was trimming the hedge far, far away) and trying to not faint from shock.
Honestly, the emergency instincts of the dog and children were dire; the dog just came and sniffed around for a bit, the kids did nothing. They’re tiny so I suppose they can be forgiven – also they were colouring in a giraffe on their colouring app, and that’s not something to be interrupted, but the dog? I always thought that dogs were supposed to turn all Lassie on you in moments of dire need. Summon help with a strange, siren-like bark. Paw at the gate latch until it swings open, run to the nearest A&E (six thousand miles away) with a muddy, scribbled note. Fetch you a cold compress and pour you some brandy from their SOS bottle that they carry around their necks.
No such luck. Thankfully Mr AMR didn’t have his headphones on and heard a “weird sound that didn’t quite sound human”. He was very calm and made me press ice all over my face for about an hour, which I’m sure saved the whole thing from swelling up to gargantuan proportions. The damage is surprisingly inconsequential.
What a bloody palaver. I feel as though I’ve been whipped with a witch’s broom! A giant one! That’s the last time I do any extreme gardening. I knew it was a stupid thing to do the moment I started doing it, but when I have PMT it’s like I can’t resist testing my limits – or tempting fate. The same with using my curling irons the other day – I knew I’d burn myself without the heatproof glove on but I threw caution to the wind and curled my hair without it. Five burns. I am only this stupid for a few days of the month – the rest of the time I am a total health and safety maniac.
What’s the weirdest/stupidest thing you’ve ever done whilst pre-menstrual? Or just the weirdest/stupidest thing you’ve ever done full stop – I’m not fussy. Amuse and horrify me.
Oh gosh! Hope you are ok now!
I own horses and both the Mr and I ride. I never ride alone, he does all the time. In my stupid hormonal state I decided to prove to him that I could ride alone too (he’s never ever suggested I should and wondered why I couldn’t/wouldn’t, all in my own head). So I was at home, timing when I would mount HIS horse bareback upon his arrival home, and ride up to the gate to meet him. Thinking I’d look very brilliant and impressive! I had his horse caught up and standing with me beside the fence (I could use to mount) and waited til I heard his car. His normal routine is to open the gate at the house to let the horses come up for a visit and he was heading that way to do it. That’s when I decided I had to mount and ride up. I forgot how much his horse liked to run up and say hello to his favorite person. So he was anxious to go and not wanting to wait for me to mount, so I tried to hurry(should have aborted right then but NO couldn’t do anything sensical), I tried to steady myself on the fence and he was moving so I launched myself, not landing well and probably making him nervous so he also took off, all at the same time. All I heard was the Mr yelling “what the hell are you doing?” then I was on the ground, having rolled backwards over the horse’s ass to land on ground, sprawled out…in fresh horse poo that his horse likely just did prior to launching himself. I was lucky to only be bruised (including my ego), it could have ended so much worse and the Mr was beside himself wondering what had come over me. Stupidity, that’s what. It really didn’t take much more for me to burst into tears.
Hahahaha!!!! Oh, I am not a good mix with horses. This story terrifies me!!
One thing that comes to mind is when I was helping a customer at work to load a roll of pipe into the back of her car. It was slightly too big, and kept threatening to fall back out. Customer decided to try slamming the door hard and fast, just as I put my hand out to push the pipe back in… I have no idea how my arm was not chopped in half, but I think the jersey I was wearing must have blunted some of the force. I nearly blacked out, couldn’t see anything at all for about 10 seconds, lost all power of speech, somehow got myself back into the building and then the pain hit. Work colleagues took one look at my face (which was apparently ashy grey), and took me straight off to A&E. Amazingly, there were not even any broken bones, but my arm was about twice its normal size and completely purple. They put a tight compression stocking on it to keep the swelling down and gave me some painkillers to take home. I couldn’t use my arm for about a week, and the bruising started to go down. Needless to say I let others at work help customers load their cars now!
Your eye! Hope you get better soon.This reminded me of the whomping willow. I never realized I got crazy angry before my periods until my mother pointed it out to me. I become the hulk every month.
I feel your pain I spend my life doing ‘time saving’ things like this.
I saw some cobwebs on the light bulb in the bathroom (alas we have a mental shaped ceiling, hence the bulb having no shade) I decided to hit the cobwebs with a towel. This smashed the bulb all over the floor and plunged me in darkness in a locked bathroom! Yes few cuts later opened the bathroom door!
Then another time I tugged the bed out to hoover under it, stood up and smashed my head on the slanted ceiling above so hard my partner heard from the other room. I had concussion and had to have the day off work next day!
Oh my God it’s like a scene from “Saw”
Well, after reading all these adventures I believe my fear of automatic car washes is justified, gardening is highly overrated, doing dishes should only be done by a dishwasher, and the rage and anger that I feel while in full PMS state is completely normal.
As far as stupid, I can’t tell you if I was PMS’ing or not but I took my daughter out to Taco Tuesday. As we left the restaurant I was checking my work cell phone. Yep..don’t look at phone and still walk thing applies here. I stepped on the curb just right, rolled my ankle off as it went down which shattered my ankle and the bases of the leg bones, wiped out face, hands and knees on the pavement. My daughter was 20 at the time and she was very helpful by getting me to my van and she drove me to work as I requested. I scooted up the steps on my butt to my office on the second floor and then got a look at my ankle, which had grown to large cantaloupe size. At that I called my bosses and said I was heading to ER. Yep, shattered and referred to orthopedic surgeon. I called there the next day and they said he was planning on vacation soon and he didn’t think it would require surgery (translation: your insurance will pay us the contracted rate which is less than I think I am worth) so I hobbled around on crutches for a couple weeks.
Exactly 6 weeks to the day of the curb incident I was dropping dogs off to groomer and was looking at my work cell as I walked out. Yeah, yeah, I know I should have learned. I managed to find the water meter cover was off the access to the meter and shut off and left foot went down, scrapping all the skin off the front of my shin and slamming the very shattered ankle. I hobbled back in to groomers to inform them that cover had been off and get something to help soak up the bleeding. They gave me paper towels and informed me the meter was the city’s property. I said I don’t sue when I was an idiot (everyone in the US sues over everything..it is ridiculous!), therefore I have never sued anyone.
As nothing was done to ensure shattered bones healed where they ought to have I still have problems with the ankle. It turns out I have disease that causes muscle and nerve cells to die in feet, lower legs, hands and weirdly, vocal chords, so I have about 6-10 yrs til I am confined to a wheelchair so I take the achy ankle and enjoy mobility whilst I have it.
On a brighter note: I have the black thumb of death when it comes to plants. I can’t get anything to grow or stay alive. Tomato plants don’t produce but wither and die if I touch them. Houseplants die if I get too near to them. I love African Violets, and have bought and killed dozens…so if I ever make it to the UK I would be glad to come and touch the horrendous, killer vines for you as they, like all plants, won’t be able to live after coming in contact with me. I guess it’s a gift?
Heal quickly, Ruth! And yeah…might be a good time to check how well a concealer really works .
Before you start the flamethrower, please make sure you have no poison ivy or any of its caustic brethren. You do NOT want to breathe the smoke from accidentally burning those… xoxo
Poison ivy doesn’t grow here in the UK, it’d be very unusual if it was!
I do a lot of DIY, mr G sadly has Cerebella ataxia so it’s up to me, I have an annex to my kitchen which houses my gadget hoard (out of sight of mr G) I have OCD so usually over safety conscious, on this occasion I believe my brain had actually left the building, I decided to wire in an electric socket so that I could charge/plug in said gadgets, there was existing wiring to an old defunct burglar alarm, I turned power off to whole house (large & old) and used my wire cutters to cut the exposed cable BANG!!! It threw me at least 4 foot, the wire cutters hit me in the eye and knocked me out for a few seconds the wall had a beautiful black burn up to the ceiling, I’ve no idea how power was still live as I had turned the mains off, I won’t be touching electricity again this was almost as bad as when I fell through the ceiling, snapped my ankle (bones protruding) & my coccyx another story, Mr G says I need to hibernate at that time of the month
Perhaps there was old faulty wiring somewhere causing a short circuit?
I fell down the (stone) stairs from quite high, as I was laying there badly bruised and crying in agony, my youngest, at the time 4 or 5 years old, just stood over me, unimpressed, asking if he could have some chocolate.
Stupidest thing I ever did was stick my WET hand inside the loose top of a plugged-in washing machine. There was a reason for it which I can’t remember now. II wasn’t even looking at what I was doing so don’t know what I touched but I got quite an electric shock, thankfully not enough to make me stick to the current or kill me. It was just me and the young child in the house at the time, it was outstandingly stupid, I’m so lucky.
Did you fight Harry Potter’s Whomping Willow??? Sure looks like it! I hope you feel a lot better by now.
As for me, it happened some years ago but I was watching (drooling) Keanu Reeves in Speed whilst cutting a kiwi in half, not really paying attention to what I was doing (the bus… Sandra Bullock… the excitement…) I ended up slicing the kiwi in half as wel as the soft flesh between my two first fingers… I bled through 8 towels before I got to go to the doctor (I had hit a small artery) and he started stitching me up before the wound was numb, so it felt like a huuuge rope being pulled through my fingers… I suffered a lot of pain with it because apparently I also hit a nerve in there too… sigh!!
NEVER cut a kiwi since and rarely ate any since too (this was in 1997….)
Oh how awful for you Ruth! Sending healing vibes your way.
One thing comes to mind for me – I was sifting through kitchen cupboards looking for a certain plate cursing under my breath as I couldn’t put my hand straight on it, when I opened a lower cupboard door and said plate fell out, bounced onto the tiles, broke into a million pieces with one piece hurtling upwards. Lucky I had my hands up protecting my face ‘cos it lodged into the palm of my hand – deep! I looked at it, pulled it out and then …. blood EVERYWHERE. I was determined not to go to the hospital (I’m a nurse so no logic there at all!) so I wrapped my hand up in a tea-towel and sat on my hand (apply pressure wherever possible!). After about half an hour I unwrapped the tea-towel and had this lovely curved gash in my hand. But happy to say didn’t require stitches. To this day the scar is pretty impressive. Also I really miss that plate!
I become an incredibly violent sleeper around that time and have on several occasions woken up because I’ve punched myself in the face.
This may be adding insult to injury but ivy doesn’t actually damage trees. Though by all means remove it now for having wronged you!
It’s debatable. I have it from a number of expert sources that it does, eventually, and the roots (which are huge) are taking away from the other plants, but then some say it’s fine! But yeah, I’m going to burn it to the bloody ground now! Haha
I was once doing the dishes and walked with my discloth and a hand full of cutlery towards the toilet where I was about to throw them in…(no idea what I was thinking) :-)
ahaha
Oh dear! Feel better soon!
And one thing – please please write a book Ruth! And publish it! Xxx
Sorry, just sounded like a complete annoying old Auntie/Mum (which I am!). Must add: thank goodness no damage done and best wishes for a speedy recovery!
I was loading a toy kitchen onto a small trolley and the pulley cord sprang back and wacked me in the face/eye! I thought I had damaged my eye.
I had to go to the playground with the trolley and a red stripe mark on my face(no mirror to see how bad I looked)
You poor thing! That looks painful
One month I was THIS close to actually quitting my job because the sheer hate for my boss and her insane, ridiculous requests that day was – in my mind – the worst thing that ever happened to me. Her requests were no more insane than usual and she even apologized for the outburst she had that day but because said outburst came at the worst time for my PMS, I was actually drafting my resignation when my colleague talked me off the ledge.
I then looked at the app that tracks my cycle and the lightbulb moment was slightly embarrassing. EVERY month I know it’s coming and every month I still feel completely justified in my rage. It’s like you get PMS amnesia. Why am I eating my weight in chocolate? Why do I want to cry at that song on the radio? Why would I like to quit my job/stab the guy on the subway?
It’s a mystery.
Worst one was filling a hot water bottle for my daughter. Used just-boiled water and held necked bottle with left hand. It started to slip so I grabbed body of hot water bottle with right hand (a millisecond of poor judgement)… boiling water all over hand! Nurse asked my if I screamed (“yes”). Apparently the best screams are from burns… but maybe also from tree-related injuries? Seriously though, my brother went on a course for managing the trees in his large garden: Never saw the end off a fallen tree as the root will still have massive compression energy stored and will whip up: https://cottagelife.com/outdoors/how-to-safely-remove-branches-from-a-fallen-tree/
Oh wow, didn’t know this!!! And I HATE filling hot water bottles.
I was once chopping kindling with an axe when my neighbour came over. Rather than stop waving an axe about while we chatted I carried on splitting my small logs into even smaller ones, not 100% concentrating. Obviously I axed myself on the hand. Being terribly British I grabbed my hand and kind of clasped my hands behind my back so as not to alarm my neighbour and carried on the conversation, blood seeping between my fingers!! I eventually managed to excuse myself but refused to look and made hubby peel one bloodied hand from the other! The damage was nowhere near as bad as expected but I do have a natty scar.
I also had to ban myself form using the chainsaw due to the almost irroestiable urge I had to touch the spinning chain of death.
Have to say that a lot of these anecdotes are garden related. LOL. I can’t believe you stood there and carried on chatting!!
I cried! I’m putting my 4 mo to sleep trying to keep calm whilst reading the post but I couldn’t stand it! You’re hilarious, Ruth. I’m terribly sorry about that accident but I couldn’t stop wondering what it’d look like if you could film it. I mean next time you have a brilliant idea to do something in the garden before your period, do set your camera up to document it ❤️
Ka-DOINK!!!!!
I find washing up when I’m angry the worst possible decision. Every time, if I’m really really angry PMS and all, I end up with a slash in my hand.
Last one was due to me washing a cup so vigorously that the ear came off whilst my hand was still swooshing inside of the cup needless to say the broken off part went straight into my flesh and there was some serious bleeding. It wouldn’t stop so I ended up at AE. Waited some 3 hours to be seen but luckily in the meantime the bleeding had stopped.
Once I filled up the sink with soapy water and left dishes to soak. When I came back to do the washing up I was quite worked up about something. I thrusted my hand into the sink and guess what was the first thing it made contact with? Yes, the blade of a knife, and not just any knife, the sushi knife sharpest one I own. There!
Hope your face heals soon!
ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I fell over a tree root when sober, wearing trainers but pre-menstrual. I broke all the fingers in my right hand and dislocated my thumb. (I’m right handed). I also ended up with a fist sized pocket of blood on my shin as well where I landed. (Fingers now all work fine but thumb doesn’t bend and aches when it’s going to rain. Leg returned to normal size after approx 6 weeks)
Best part was my period started in the hospital whilst waiting for a cast. I had to ask for a sanitary towel, and they only had the massive post childbirth ones, and I had to ask my mum to come and unwrap it and put it on as I couldn’t move my arm and was very woozy. We have never spoken of that moment again…
What happens in A&E toilets STAYS in the A&E toilets.
Other than impulse crying, waves of anger and poor food choices I don’t have horror stories to contribute, but reading through the comments above makes me thankful that I seem to be only dealing with minor irritabilities that pose no threat to my immediate health.
Also: Never rely on children for emergency support. Mine will come up while I am quite literally vomiting in the bathroom and ask for me to get up and make them a sandwich…
Anne – Linda, Libra, Loca
Hahahaha, so true. “Mummy PLEASE stick your arm back on so that you can fetch me the remote control.”
Hope you feel better soon!
And when you do, you need to find a saw, hack off that STUPID ivy and start a bonfire with lol show it who the boss is ya know?
Exactly!!
I’ve had PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, didn’t make me do stupid things but did make me feel suicidal and almost violent. Not pretty!
Wow, hadn’t heard of that before. Off to Google. x
So glad you are not seriously hurt Ruth. My mother use to say to me never have ivy in your garden. It’s positively evil and territorial to say the least. I am glad to report never had to fight ivy off but have bamboo plants alongside a very long fence line. Yuk. Love your everyday life stories
Oh bamboo. Same nightmare. x
Husband at work, old clothes dryer died. Ran to the store and bought a new one. When buying the new dryer I declined to buy the “pig” that went with it. I assumed the pig from the old dryer would work. A pig is the big fat electric cord that runs from the dryer and is plugged into the outlet on the wall. Well wouldn’t you know it, the old pig didn’t fit the connections on the new dryer. Back to the store, bought new pig. This next part of the story I have to explain that I am a smart person, a person of sound mind. I don’t know what I was thinking, but when I got home I thought, “I bet this pig will fit the dryer connections, but it probably won’t fit into the outlet.” So I plugged it into the electrical outlet on the wall not realizing that the other end of the pig, which was NOT attached to the dryer, was touching my blouse. KABOOM! LITERALLY AN ALL SOUNDS EXPLOSION! My blouse was blown off my body. All that was left was my Peter Pan collar and sleeves. Boy, was my husband shocked when he came home. Muttered something about me being like Lucille Ball on I Love Lucy.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How lucky you weren’t killed. Though the blouse thing did just make me laugh out loud.. x
Fecking ‘ell, you were very lucky not to have caused more damage. Arnica gel will help with the bruising. Hormones cause a lot of mischief for us women. ONE of the worse things I’ve done pre-menstrual is being forced to play football with the kids and hubby, go to kick the ball but instead kicked the ground so hard I snapped my big toe. On a brighter note, this may be a good time to test concealers lol x
Well I was thinking that. Always look on the bright side, and what kind of content you can make from a bad situation.. haha. x
Oh my! Glad you’re ok! My stupidest moment was standing on the kitchen table hanging balloons while I was 8 months pregnant. The table turned on its side and I fell off. No broken bones and the baby must have braced herself. And of course no one was around when it happened.
Argh!!!
Haha oh my god. Well, thankfully my premenstrual moods haven’t had me do worse than throwing around some cutlery in that kind of righteous anger over anything and nothing, followed by hysterical sobbing, usually something absolutely melodramatic is including like clutching my hair or falling to my knees, always finishing in the bathroom with some slowing down hiccups and trembling bottomlip, same any toddler does, and slowly realizing “omfg whatamidoing”. I’m sure my husband prefers me attacking trees and getting myself hit in the face than this monthly theater I perform for him.
Same. He just looks bemused.
You poor thing. I’m glad that you won with the other ivy. Is there anyway that you can get some LED red or infrared light on your injured area to hasten the healing? I have a handheld Omnilux and I find it can work wonders on healing and skin renewal. I hope you heal quickly.
I can’t remember my poorest decision with PMT as I’m a few years post hysterectomy, however after my youngest was born and things were back to normal, I found that PMT anger was my new thing. Just a day or so, and I thought I tried to be as calm as I could but I felt my temper was on a hair trigger. My husband soon learnt that asking if my period was due was a BAD idea, and made sure that there was a supply of chocolate in the house and a steak for the next day when my period arrived. It was awful; I hated feeling out of control. I have no idea now where I’m at in my cycle (still have ovaries) but my daughter is now 13.5 and keeping us all on our toes with horrendous hormonal surges, somehow both random and continuous. I feel sorry for her, and I keep apologising to my mother for my teenage years. I’d take PMT for a few days a month over going through puberty any day.
My anger is TERRIBLE!!!!!
Oh no how awful!!! Hope you heal up super quick. Pop some arnica on it and take some arnica tablets too. I’ve done so many stupid this whilst PMT. Manily being impatient and doing stupid shit!
OK, you asked so here you go … one Friday night I ripped my arm open by slipping whilst standing in the bath and falling backwards out of said bath. In the fall my arm hit the flush handle of the loo so hard it penetrated it and tore it open so badly I spent 7 hours in A&E having the wound examined and cleaned. My local hospital didn’t have the necessary plastic surgeon on site so I was sent home drugged up to my eyeballs on morphine with the wound just wrapped up. I had to go for emergency plastic surgery at another hospital, so general anaesthetic, internal stitches, 29 external stitches, many many dressing changes and 3 courses of antibiotics required. It took 2 and a half months to heal and has left an ugly large scar. You did ask!! Hope your face is OK Ruth. xx
Oh my lord!!!!
Ouch! I wound my window down in the car whilst going through a car wash to push my mirror in. I still don’t know if it was a car malfunction or a brain malfunction, but the window went up with my arm still out with the car wash rollers coming towards me. In the nick of time I got the window back down and was left with a nasty bruise on my arm (& a wild imagination of what could have happened ). Still haunts me to this day.
Noooo! Your arm could have been ripped off! Horrendous.