“J to the L-O, hello! Yes, ladies, this is a fragrance by Jennifer Lopez, it’s called ‘Love and Glamour’ and not only am I going to get within three-hundred yards of it, I am going to spray it on myself. No doubt you can tell where I stand when it comes to celebrity fragrances? I would be more likely to go and buy a pound of maggots and pour them down my bra than pop to the local department store to purchase some ‘Britney’ or some ‘Katy Perry’. Even Jennifer Aniston (who I have a weird and now not-so-secret obsession with) could not convince me to wear her perfume. I don’t want to smell like a celebrity, you see, I want to smell like me. Funny that.

Anyway, it’s Friday Flash Review, and this is what the finger of fate has pointed to on my desk, and so this is what it shall be. J-to-the-L-O’s newest launch, Love and Glamour. I’m not sure that Love and Glamour necessarily go together hand-in-hand, really – it’s more ‘love and takeaway’ or ‘love and sofa-shopping’ if you’re not a multi-platinum selling pop artist, but let’s not pick holes!

A snobbery confession to make here: I have never actually tried a celebrity fragrance. So I can’t actually say that in general they are bad, or make any kind of sensible conclusions about them; I’m just a perfume-celebrity snob. It’s fine, in my books, for a celebrity to be the ‘face’ of a perfume (Keira doesn’t put me off Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, for example) but as soon as you’re trying to sell me a ‘celebrity lifestyle’ or ‘personality’ through a fragrance, you can take a hike. There’s just something annoying about it.

Love and Glamour is coming out of the box. The bottle is shaped a bit like an Oscar award statuette, quite pleasing. It would make a good weapon. I’d imagine. Plasticky lid with a glitzy glimmery bottle-top inset. Lid off – am I really going to do this? Eau-to-the-J-Lo? I have absolutely nothing against the woman herself…

[Spritz! Spritz!]

ARGH! NOOOOOOOO! PLEASE NO!

[Short interval whilst I batter myself in the face with the weapon-shaped bottle.]

Is it really that bad? I hear you cry! Has it scarred you for life, emotionally and sensorially?

No! I actually like it! This is bad. This is really bad. I want to lie to you, I want to tell you how much I hate it, but I like it! It’s like a summer fruit punch that has been turned into a fragrance! It’s peachy and juicy and sparkly like a well-made Bellini!

[More head battering.]

Let’s calm down about this, shall we? Because I’m not saying ‘this is my most favourite perfume ever’, I’m just saying that I like it.

[Choking.]

OK, I like it a lot. I know that fragrance is an intensely personal choice, but I do think that this one has a certain ‘all-round’ appeal for summer. For me, it just hits the right notes. Though it kills me to admit it, I will be wearing Love and Glamour by J-to-the-L-O. Perhaps not every day – maybe not even every week! – but it will be there, hidden away in my embarrassment drawer. And if anyone asks me what I’m wearing? It’s ‘Bellini’, a one-off private blend made just for me!

Jennifer Lopez’s Love and Glamour is available nationwide from next week.