Category: How Not To Be
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How Not To Be A Supermodel
It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for*: my first ever book, How Not To Be A Supermodel, is available for pre-order! Here! An actual book that you will be able to hold in your hands. Or, if you prefer my dulcet tones, listen to with your ears. You’ve loved my revealing life updates, over…
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How Not To Be Sexy In Bed
Do you want to know what I wear to bed these days? I’m going to tell you anyway, so you may as well say yes. Don’t worry, it’s nothing that’s going to make you blush or feel awkward about life if we suddenly bump into each other outside Tottenham Court Road station – I’m not…
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How Not To Try Contact Lenses
I had my first contact lens “lesson” last week and to say it went badly would be a huge understatement. To be quite honest with you, I don’t know why any part of me thinks that I’ll ever be successful with a procedure that involves precision, dexterity and being OK with repeatedly touching your own…
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How (Not) To De-Fuzz Your Face
My Mum was horrified when I showed her my newly acquired Finishing Touch Facial Hair Remover. “You can’t shave your face!” she cried. “Why can’t you just use nail scissors like everyone else?” Pause for effect. Can we please get a show of hands from anyone – anyone at all – who uses a pair of…
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How (Not) To Be A Bee
Did you know that bees in a hive have this thing called swarm mentality, or hive mind, which is this amazing sort of collective thought that happens when you get lots of social insects (ants, bees) together in a colony? I’m no Attenborough, but I’ve been Googling this for all of about, ooh, four minutes, and…
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How (Not) To Blackmail Me
Just wondering if anyone can help me out with this email I’ve just had – I’ve obviously managed to get myself into a bit of a pickle. Not for the first time, I should add. Every time I sift through my junk mail I’m being blackmailed for one thing or another! “In case you didn’t…
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How (Not) To Catch A Mole
There’s a mole catcher who’s well known around these parts of Somerset and he has the most amazing advert printed on the back of his van. I’d never managed to get a photo of it before, but the other day he happened to be in front of us and so I summoned up all of…
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How (Not) To Shag A Merman
Last week I found myself unexpectedly perving over King Triton’s torso whilst watching The Little Mermaid II with my kids. Which was something of a surprise, even to myself. A cartoon character – who knew? As he waggled his way into shot, I was taken aback by the broadness of his chest, the abs definition, the…
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How (Not) To Post A Table
I was going to order some little vintage side tables last week but the delivery time, from the Netherlands, was estimated at 4-5 weeks. Considering that the tables are already made – they are secondhand – what in heaven’s name mode of transport could possible take 4-5 weeks? I could construct my own tables in…
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Bandit Crab: How (Not) To Social Distance
After twelve weeks of complete isolation I decided to go to the post office to do some urgent returns. (I actually had to send back some clothes I had ordered and never unboxed. Because who needs clothes in a lockdown? Not I, apparently. Apart from a few special occasions, I’ve almost worn the same two…
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Danger Bike: How (Not) To Cycle
My children (three and a bit years old and almost five) have been learning to ride their bikes and it is at once a massively rewarding experience and a very new, very fresh hell. On the one hand, seeing them learn a new skill and become fully-functioning mini-people makes me brim with joy and pride;…