I think, for the first time, my self-imposed monthly update deadline may have beaten me. I do not have a single ounce of energy to type up my thoughts or think of witty things to say about poo (or the fact that the other day I got poo all over my tracksuit bottoms, which is a disaster in this house because I only have one pair of tracksuit bottoms that fit and if I have to wear actual clothes, ones that I could go out in public in, it takes me about eight hours to find something decent) and I have no brain space to remember baby milestones or quirky little things that Angelica has said over the past few weeks.

In short, I have failed you.

Rather melodramatic, that statement, but it’s annoying that for almost three years I’ve managed to give you a run-down of the previous month, warts and all, and now I’m about to let myself down….

…but wait! With all of this waffling, I could have written the update by now! Let’s give it a try, shall we? I’m going to summon up every molecule of energy available (just eaten a whole bar of white chocolate, so that should help things along) and whizz through some important facts. Then at least you have the bare bones of the Month of March and we can flesh things out a bit when I have some more time…

On the whole time thing; I thought that as the babies got older, I’d have more time. “They’ll play together!” I thought, “on their own!” “I’ll just need to peep at them every few minutes to make sure they haven’t started eating the dog food or poking things into the plug sockets or colouring in the kitchen units with the black marker pen. If I just keep half an eye on them, everything will be fine.”

Not true. It’s like trying to look after two very drunk people who very definitely want a kebab and will not get on the bus but can’t find their purse or stand up straight and might very well puke on the glass-fronted counter. Anyway, lots of fun but there is no way in hell that you can get any work done whilst looking after a toddler and a baby. Or a toddler and a toddler. Because now Ted is on the move, which is a whole new world of constant danger…

Toddler

Angelica’s favourite things of the month: “big girl knickers” (she’s pretty much 100% toilet trained, if that’s the right phrase, and is dry at night – I just need to be brave and take the nappy off once and for all!), Peter Rabbit (the obsession with Peter Rabbit and Mr McGregor continues – she went to the cinema to see the new film but it cut off half way through), running (on the world’s most slippery wooden floor – roll on carpeting day), storytime (anything and everything) and Hippo. Hippo is a nightlight that she has at the end of her cot; he glows different colours and then, annoyingly, every five minutes he turns off. Which means that we have to run up the stairs about fifty times a night turning him back on again. “MUMMY! DADDY! Hippo gone off!” A sane woman would just buy another nightlight, one that stays on…

Baby

Ted is walking – running, actually. He went from crawling to cruising to walking in the space of about eight seconds and now can be found quite literally hurtling himself up and down the living room, usually holding something dangerous such as a fork or the rod from the dog toy or a twig that’s fallen down the chimney. (Bloody birds.) He is also saying Mama, Dada, RAAAAH! (if you say “be a dinosaur!”) and Row Row. (Row Row being famous lyrics from the well-known song Row Row Row Your Boat. A mind-numbing song if ever there was one. Although great for bastardising with mildly inappropriate alternative versions. I’ll write them down for you one day.)

Me

Ugh. No energy, no brain space, no emotional space – I need a holiday. Just some sun. Somewhere with a kids’ club. Is 14 months too young for an hour or so in a kids’ club? Do we trust kids’ clubs? I have to admit that I find the idea of them faintly horrifying, only because I have a thing about a) leaving babies alone with people I haven’t met at least nine billion times and b) being abroad. I worry about ice cubes abroad, about health and safety abroad, about sharks, jelly fish, spiders and sand creatures abroad. In short, despite being incredibly well-travelled and very open-minded, I am a terrible worrier when it comes to holidays. Abroad. Add two kids into the mix and it could well end up being less of a holiday, more of an exercise in extreme stress-testing. Discuss…

UPDATE: er, just realised that I wrote a whole update post anyway. Despite spending ten minutes telling you how I didn’t have the time. What a berk. I should just get on with the matter in hand instead of making excuses. Anyway, my Monthly Update Record remains untarnished for now. Ta-ta until next time…