Dear Topshop. Or anyone, for that matter. Have you seen this skirt? It’s a houndstooth check “tulip” skirt and I want it. I need it. Why the hell I didn’t buy it when I actually tried it on, and liked it enough to take a photo of it, and tweet about it, and tell everyone I was going to buy it, I HAVE NO IDEA. Forgive me, for ’twas a moment of retail foolishness.

Anyway, Topshop (or anyone): can you help me? I need a size 10 and have trawled eBay to no avail. You must have one in a cupboard somewhere, surely? Can I come and have a root around? (Joke.) But seriously – I’ll pay over the odds for it. And if you can magically make my skin look as beautifully golden as it did in this picture then I shall love you forever. (Where an earth had I been? Whatta tan!)

I want this skirt, I want it times a thousand. I also really want the t-shirt too – that was one of the best tops I have ever owned. Soft, flattering, extremely attractive to moths. Therefore it is no longer. Dear Banana Republic…